Sometimes I feel like giving up. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m straddling between the old tradition that was bred and remained unconsciously brewing in me, and the new way of life I’ve intelligently embraced most of my mature life. I’m a hybrid trying to maintain the good cultural mileage while accelerating at maximum speed.

Keeping the balance between the 2 cultures is a daily struggle. In a culture where self-sacrifice for the benefit of your loved ones is highly praised and revered, spending any effort on yourself is therefore considered a selfish act. There were times when I felt guilty for being happy. Guilty for enjoying a cup of coffee. Guilty for sleeping in. Guilty for eating out. Guilty for spending $20 on an second pair of sandals. I got mad at myself for being guilty. So what do I do? I go the extreme opposite to defy my inbred social conventions. I spent all morning enjoying my cup of coffee staring at the empty space. I slept in till noon. Why do I still feel like shit at the end?

What is my problem?

I need to keep my perspectives. But how?

I know I’m complicated. I’m a woman, and being complicated is the virtue of a woman :).

I need to think more on this subject …