Anh Thiện called and offered his thoughts and support in view of the medical mishaps happening to me recently. The long talk prompted me to rethink of and clarify what I blogged earlier. The previous blog might bear a negative connotation to my existence, any human existence, especially in the few last lyrics extract. It was not my intention to portray life as a hopeless and meaningless experience, or that we’re just prawns in the vast sea, or pawns in a pre-written play. I’m not philosophical enough to try to make sense of life and the human condition. It is though, my questioning and searching for the answer to living a fulfilling life, making meaningful decisions given the circumstances I’m in. What makes us human is our conscious choice in dealing with the situations presented to us.

Life is short. Life is a precious gift. Life presents us many ups and downs. It is easy to appreciate and cherish the rewards. What about  dealing with challenges? Denial as well as perseverance, are both decisions made intelligently. Right or wrong, good or bad, depends on the person’s circumstances and reality that he and only he can understand and justify.

For a week, I had been procrastinating calling the surgeon. People around me have been, directly and indirectly, prompted me to call for an appointment. They saw the logical benefits of my surgery and the risks of it being delayed. But to know and to instantly act upon the knowledge is not always an automatic reflex. To be presented with the unpredictable reality of a sudden disability is not something I can casually deal with. Of course, I saw what they saw. More than that, I also saw the person beyond the surgery, being impacted physiologically, physically, and emotionally. I needed time to let all sink in, to deny, to digest and then to acknowledge the situation, to contemplate the new lifestyle, and to accept the inevitable.

And to accept does not mean to surrender. It means I’ve considered all alternatives, and the best decision for myself is to have the valve repaired. So I made the call to the surgeon. I will be placing my life in his hands during the 3-hour operation, and the preparation and recovery will be placed in the hands of loved ones, family and friends. And God continues to watch over me, and the universe continues to flow.

I am not just me. I am me and the universe. Yo soy yo y mi circunstancia. Even so, choices determine my circumstances; circumstances do not determine my choices.