Remember the classic line in the movie THE SHINING “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”? Well, no work and all play makes me a killer. Every morning this week, I casually step out to the kitchen patio, a cup of coffee in hand, breathing in the sunlight, squinting at the beautiful blue sky sparsed with soft clouds, and at the corners of BOTH eyes, try to see if there’s any movement in the bushes. Because, you see, my mission in life now seems to be focused on the big fat squirrels who roam the ceiling of my bedroom, who twitch their whiskers and stare at me with their beady little eyes when I sunbath despite my futile attempts at throwing my sandals at them.

If you’ve never lived with squirrels, and think of them at cute little pets (like me, some 15 years ago), stick to your dream. Because I don’t have any soft spot in my fixed-up heart for these pests. 4 weeks back, I ordered from Amazon this .177 1000fps air rifle. But I was merely 2 weeks out of the surgery. Not strong enough  to hold the rifle, let alone cocking it. So I waited, and I waited. The required character of a deadly sniper, don’t you agree? Heck, I was in WalMart the other day and even thought of buying myself a pair of military camo pants just for this mission! Good thing I’m into living green and simple, so I decided against that. Also, my kids might put me in a straight-jacket …

This one is huge, with long bushy tail. It jumps up on the barrel, does its usual scratching and digging and darting around. I can’t step out to the patio, the floor creaking will give me away. Easy, I can take it from inside, I just need a narrow opening of the screen door. I slowly raise my rifle, stick its neck in the door opening, rest my elbow against the door side. Safety is off. Aim crosshairs at its shoulder. Go easy on the trigger. Pull … What the?  Nothing! Check safety again. Pull trigger. Darn …. No ammo? No ammo! I feel like a fool. Who was the last person using this rifle? Not me! I always prep my rifle for my next kill. Well, actually, I haven’t killed any yet … but today is the day.

With my rifle NOW armed, I monitor the tall walnut and pine trees in the backyard. Birds are chirping their little hearts out. Including Quasi. Why can’t I shoot the birds? That wouldn’t be animal abuse, would it? Nah, birds are too pretty. They and I can co-exist. Movement on the ground! Not only we got visitor, this one trespasses! Not my problem if it didn’t see the “No Tresspassing” sign post. It runs outside along the gate, knows exactly the gap between the gate and the fence, and comes running towards the walnut trees.

30 yards away. Not sure I can do it from the upstairs deck. It’s frolicking on the lawn. Can’t focus, but I see the pattern. It takes a few steps, then stops, then takes the next few. My aim is centered 2 inches ahead of the squirrel. BANG! It seems to be wounded, thrashes around then tries to get up. I run inside and quickly reload. I aim the crosshairs at the upper body and fire. That finishes it, the tail that was straight up in the air slowly falls down.

One down; many, many more to go …

I need to go to Food Network and see if they have any good recipes for squirrels.

Ecureuil Au Vin, anybody?