I was going through a spring cleaning of my old emails, and came across this note from me to me, dated August 17, 2011. It must have been right after I did my Vipassana retreat.

Live without pretending, love without depending, listen without defending, speak without offending.

I read and reread the above, word by word. The more I read, the more it sinks in and requires more thinking. Simple rules to live by. Much difficult to reign our human nature.

Live without pretending. Without pretending to be something I am not? I drive a 2014 Mercedez and am living on retirement income. Is that pretending? I have a really nice classy Gucci bag that I bought from Salvation Army. Is that faking? We live in a highly materialistic society, where people judge each other by the external accessories we carry: the car, the dress, the shoes … Go to Davidson&Licht jewelry store in your simple attire, and see if you can get any positive attention. Dress up a bit, and watch people there bringing you bottled water and freshly made cookies.

I’m scaling down on my life. A small house with a small kitchen that has served many meals to friends and loved ones. I live in Walnut Creek, the shopping mecca on this side of the Bay, yet look at the shops very indifferently. Christmas and end-of-year sales do not mesmerize me. I am very content because I have everything I need in this life. I have more books in my library that I can read, and the public library is nearby. I don’t dress to the nines, nor am I fashionable; but my clothes are not ragged and also, I inherit hands-me-down from my daughter ;)

Love without depending. My guess is this applies to both emotional and financial dependence. I believe I do not have issues in this area. I do not have strong attachment to people or money.  Being the eldest in the family, I have trained myself to manage the situation and not to depend on others for my happiness. I know what makes me happy; and I generally would make it happen if it’s important enough to me. I was born in a very wealthy family, but we have also been on the welfare and food stamp poverty level. So I know that money comes and goes, and I will still survive.

Listen without defending. While the other person spoke, I either was nodding my head but already thinking of something else, or nodding my head but really I was thinking in my head on what to say in return. If it’s a criticism, I already knew the comebacks and counterattacks. We build this fortress around us, to make it impossible for others to penetrate; and it is an animal instinct to self preserve. I need to work on being compassionate, knowing most likely the other person is not out there to hurt or harm me, on truly listening to what is being said, on being in the present.

Speak without offending. We have a Viet saying “Nuot luoi 7 lan truoc khi noi”, translated to: before you open your mouth, curl your tongue 7 times. Especially for those with a quick tongue, before you speak, take the time to think first. Be honest to yourself and ask what is the goal you are trying to accomplish through your words. There are times when I said things to hurt or punish the other person. And I’ve done my share of slashing out things just to prove that I am the better one. I forgot that the goal of communication is to relay the message in a way that the recipient receives it as it was intended, without any misinterpretation or misunderstanding.