I didn’t want to wake up this morning. My body just wanted to lie there in the warm bed, my eyelids shut tight, my shoulders in pain if I moved. I think my body knew the state of my mind, so it refused to wake up. I could hear the buzzing of text messages but the brain just drifted back to sleep. So I forced my mind to stop thinking and miserating over the whole thing, and jumped out of bed and got my café sūa

Everything is well and good. The house is quiet, and I’m now writing. I miss writing.

The question I asked myself when approaching my 50th birthday was: what have I done? I remembered reflecting on the past. I was doing an inventory of what I have accomplished, in any and all terms defined by the society we live in. The job that brings in the social status and the dough, the family with the husband and a son and a daughter, the possession of a big house and nice cars. I felt the sense of accomplishments, that I have been there and done that. I also had the mind and energy to wonder what else will I achieve in the next decade. The world was at my fingertips!

The question facing me today, my 60th birthday, is: what is ahead of me? It’s the question that really hit me cold and hard in the face this morning. What is to come? I’m being in the passive and defensive state, waiting to receive instead of to obtain. I used to be positive and fearless. I used to dare God to give me whatever and watch me fight. But this morning, I felt dispirited.  Lost.  I no longer feel my life is in my control. My days are in my control, but my life? I have no idea of where and what I will end up to. All negative thoughts were weighing me down, leading me to the abyss of pity me, pity me.

Our thoughts are so dangerous. That’s what I need to control. My thoughts and reactions to what is given me.

“Watch your thoughts; for they become words. Watch your words; for they become actions. Watch your actions; for they become habits. Watch your habits; for they become character. Watch your character for it will become your destiny.”

I thought it was written by Buddha, Sun Tzu or some spiritual gurus. I googled it, and the author is Frank Outlaw, once president of a supermarket chain. A common person with great insights.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m walking in the dark forest. Other times, I see my paths being very clearly defined and well-guided. Only when I try to control someone or some situation that I feel lost. I realize that I have been fooling myself thinking I had control of anything. I never did before, and never will. Someone said: Let go, and you will have all. Think about it. Let go of everything, your thoughts, your mode of thinking, your ego, your expectations. And open your heart to what comes back.

I mumble a lot this morning. Sixty, and still trying to find my way …